Time for Sunday lunch, your weekly hearty hate stew, and this one will really stick to your bones. Or chill them. This week’s topic: MTV’s “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF,” the grandest exercise in televised narcissism I have ever seen. Keep in mind, I watch these shows so you don’t have to.

The gist of the show is you have a bunch of imbeciles competing– yes, competing– to become Paris Hilton’s best friend while on camera and only until the end of the taping of the finale episode, but not in any legitimate sense.

Naturally, this leads to a cast of sycophants participating in activities like “always looking hot,” doing whatever Paris tells you to without complaint, seeing who can party the longest, etc., all while providing a truly endless supply of compliments and adoration to one Paris Hilton. Most noteworthy of all aspiring BFFs is Onch, below.

First of all, that is a dude. My estimation was that what Chris Crocker was to Britney Spears, Onch is to Paris Hilton, so you can imagine my surprise when I learned that Chris and Onch had some sort of feud that I don’t quite understand or care about, sometime last year.

Anyway, this show is pretty unbearable, but if you’re in the mood to yell at your television, this just might be for you.

[Picture source: MTV.com]

Okay kids, it’s time for the hate stew that I promised you on Friday. Consider it your Sunday supper.

“Dancing with the Stars.” Where, oh where, do I begin? I have deliberately avoided this show for however long it’s been on up to now, but masochism and work obligations got the better of me, and my hand was forced. I finally had to check it out Tuesday night.

The entire production seems like a poorly written sketch parodying reality shows. And, considering how well it does in the ratings, compared to other really worthwhile shows that fail dismally, I can now say that I have lost all faith in mankind.

To call these washed up F-listers “stars” is a flat out lie. Take Kim Kardashian, one of the competitors this season. Her most noteworthy credits include making a sex tape, dating Reggie Bush and having an ass that is often mistaken for a dumptruck.

Yes, with Kard-ass-ian, Susan Lucci and Jefferson from “Married with Children,” being on the show, I can only imagine the list of superstars they must have rejected during casting. Perhaps next season they’ll have Corky from “Life Goes On” competing. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, calling Kim a has-been. Kim Kardashian is actually a never-was, if you want to get technical.

When Tom Bergeron unleashed his manic, lilting, joyless “host” laugh in response to something that was entirely unfunny for the second time inside of 40 seconds, I turned to a friend who was watching with me and asked, “Do you suppose he goes home and just cries and cries? Don’t you think he must really hate himself?” My friend thought for a moment, then answered “yes.”

So, yeah, you could say DWTS was not my cup of tea. Man, I really feel like watching some “Married with Children” now.

For reasons I am not going to get into, I had to watch NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” this week.

Sweet. Fancy. Moses. If David Hasselhoff isn’t back on the sauce, you could have fooled me. Between his slurring to a 4-year-old girl “You should run for President!” and Sharon Osbourne, who has had enough work done at this point to be a prime candidate to play Jocelyn “The Cat Woman” Wildenstein in a Lifetime biopic, I barely had enough energy left to hate Jerry Springer properly.

By the time the show got to an act called “The Zooperstars,” which is a bunch of jerks in inflatable mascot costumes who formed a dance team, I was genuinely concerned I had unwittingly slipped myself a lethal dose of PCP. The fact that there is an act on this show where people dance around a stage– and quite enjoyably, sometimes fall off the stage– in duck and monkey costumes to an old “Jock Jams” CD is more than enough explanation for NBC’s standing as a fourth place network. Abandon all hope for humanity, and check out this clip.

[Picture source: NYMag.com]